If Everybody Else Drove Off A Cliff...

It has been raining for a couple days straight. The city of Charlotte freaks out in the rain and people drive 10 mph. On my way to the seminary today I got pulled over [I was doing 45-50 in a 45 zone]. This is the dialogue that transpired:

Cop: You were going pretty fast back there.

Josh: How fast was I going?

Cop: I just eyeballed you, but you were at least twice as fast as the everyone else.

Josh: Yes sir, but Charlotte doesn't know how to drive in the rain.

Cop: It can be dangerous to drive fast in wet conditions

Josh: Yes sir, but I'm from south FL where it rains harder than this every day.

Cop: Son do you think the fact that everybody else was driving slowly might give good cause for you to slow down.

Josh: No sir...unless you are simultaneously granting me permission to speed and drive recklessly when it's dry because everyone else is doing it.

Cop: Fair enough. Normally I would get mad at someone for talking back to me but that was pretty funny. Be careful though the roads are wet.

Josh: Yes sir.

Self Check-Outs

I'm not sure when this happened, but it was recent enough to still be fresh in mind, and it seemed appropriate to post here. I have come to loath self-checkout registers at grocery stores.

The other day I went to a Harris Teeter to get a sandwich for lunch, and all of the regular checkouts had really long lines with people buying enough food to last them the entire winter, so I went to the self checkout stations. 3 of the 4 stations were not working, but that was ok because there was only one person in line in front of me.

He stepped up to begin purchasing his few items and the machine prompted him to swipe his VIC card [very important customer]. He proceeded to take every card out of his wallet before he realized that he did not have such a card. -Nevermind the fact that you can just type in your phone number rather than swipe the card...not a big deal. He calmly began to put all of his credit, library, bookstore, mens warehouse, and AAA cards back into his wallet before scanning his food.

The gentleman attempted to scan a produce item without a sticker. After about 7 times of swiping some kind of squash, without a barcode, in a plastic bag, he realized he would have to go to the menu of the computer and tell the machine what he was buying. So he opened the menu and went to the produce section when he audibly said "I don't know what this is".
Maybe I'm a little bit odd, but I don't think I have ever bought food ...without knowing what it is

Oh well...after a good 5 min of checking each category he finally found a picture that looked like what he was buying and he was able to move on. He finished scanning his 5 or 6 other items and clicked the checkout button. At this point the computer audibly asks "Do you have any items under your cart?". The man just stood there in contemplation. I considered pointing out to him "dude you're holding a basket -the question isn't even applicable!".

After he finally realized that the "No" button was the appropriate choice it prompted him with another question "Do you have any coupons?" The guy proceeded to check every pocket of his pants to discover that he in fact did not have any coupons. Again maybe I'm weird...but I tend to know if I have coupons or not. Perhaps he has magic pants that sometimes produce coupons in his pockets and he wanted to check to see if there was some $1 off goodness had materialized.

Finally he paid with cash...which meant another 10 minutes of attempting to force wrinkly dollar bills into the cash slot. As he walked out I realized that I would have actually gotten through a good 10-15 minutes faster had I stood in line behind one of the customers with 1,000 items in the real checkout line...

What does this even mean?

This morning I went to a coffee shop to read a book. It was the sort of establishment where you pay for a cup and then fill it yourself from a variety of carafes. One such carafe was labeled: Non-Decaffeinated

I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar

I stopped at a Burger King the other night on my way home to pick up some food. As I was leaving with my #1 go-large the gentleman handed me the sack of food and the following dialogue took place:

Gentleman: "You wants ketchup?"

Me: "No thankyou, but may I have some napkins please?"

Gentleman: "What?"

Shift Supervisor: "He axed; he could git some napkins."

Gentleman: "Shooo...I why he dinn'nt axe: 'I could git napkins?'"

Selling Heresy

An elderly woman just approached me in the bookstore with two books in hand. The following conversation happened:

Woman: "Can I ask you a couple of questions?"

Me: "Yes ma'am"

Woman: "Do I have to ask you to order an ESL Bible?"

Me: "I'm not familiar with that, do you mean ESV?"

Woman: "Is that the one with the DVD? I want to listen to it in my car."

Me: "Are you looking for a Bible on CD?"

Woman: "No that's not it. Do you know what ESL is?"

Me: "English as a Second Language?"

Woman: "I guess you don't know much about Bibles. It's a shame that you have all these books but you can't help me get a good Bible. My second question is did you know *holds up
books* that you are selling and propagating heresy?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Woman: "These books teach things that are heretical and you are selling them at a seminary. I wanted to make sure you know what you are getting in to and that you are leaving Jesus."

Me: "What makes you say that these books contain heretical teaching?"

Woman: "My pastor said so. He warns us against junk like this"

Me: "Are you glad that he warns you against bad teaching?"

Woman: "Oh yes, he's a godly man!"

Me: "And how do you think he knows that these books exist and what is written in them?"

Woman: *blank stare* "He...probably read them I'm sure"

Me: "So do you think it makes sense in training pastors to make them aware of the full spectrum of thought so that they can appropriately guide their congregations?"

Woman: "You don't believe heresy do you?"

Me: "No ma'am"

Woman: "Well I think I am going to ask this fellow [she pointed to the other person working in the bookstore today] if he knows anything about ESL Bibles"

Instructions Are Important

Last week I went to Mexico for 5 days. While on the plane from Charlotte to Houston I surveyed the contents in the pocket of the seat in front of me. After reading Skymall magazine...twice [seriously how many versions of waterproof ipod speaks are necessary?], I turned to the only remaining literature to be read; the airsick bag.

The instructions...which lets face it -if I'm scrambling to find a place to contain my breakfast, I don't know that I'm going to take the time to read the instructions. But anyway,

The instructions were bilingual. The English instructions were comprised of 4 steps:

1.) Open Bag
2.) Throw up in bag
3.) Seal bag with tabs
4.) Call flight attendant for disposal

The Spanish instructions had only 2 steps to the instructions:

1.) Throw up in bag
2.) Seal bag with tabs

Conclusions: The Spanish speaking population is smart enough to know that 1.) Vomit goes in the bag not on it, 2.) Calling a woman to surprise her with a bag full of vomit is a bad idea.

When Everything Is Not Enough

One of my roommates just knocked on my door and asked:

"Do you have anything by Josephus? I need some quotes for my paper and I heard he was good."


That's PhD material in the making -I just have a feeling...

Anyway I walked to my Historical Theology shelf and pulled off The Complete Works of Josephus and handed it to him. He looked at it and said:

"That's a little big do you have anything else by him?"